Notes On Italian

One of those weeks, seriously.  I had a midterm in Italian, a sinus-headache for two days, and to get a filling at the dentist.  Oh yeah and on my way to my midterm yesterday, I realized my watch had stopped.  I did have a brief moment of thinking I could be one of those people who uses her cell phone as a watch-substitute before coming to my senses and getting a new watch battery after work.

The good thing about having the midterm was that I did a lot of house-cleaning while I was procrastinating studying for it.  The other good thing is that it's over.  I did pretty poorly on the first quiz we had, got a high-C, and I felt sort of doomed and confused about the test.  I remember a week ago, going over and over the same section in the book and just not understanding it.  I am not really sure what caused that, but I think some of the things in my textbook come off as being obscure or poorly explained.  Then when I get to class, and my instructor explains it, it makes sense.  So she explained this section on Monday, and it made sense, and then another section she didn't explain also started making sense.  See, you need to put the definite article (gli Stati Uniti, l'Italia) before countries, and also you put it before states (il Texas, la California), but you don't put the articles before cities.  And I kept reading the section of the book where it said, "il Texas" and thinking, but what, Texas is a city.  Not sure what that was about.

The really good thing too was, while I was studying, there is a chart in the book on combining prepositions with definite articles (which they do a shit-ton of in Italian) that I have been staring at for months.  Not exaggerating the timeline here, months.  And finally it just sort of clicked into place how I could retain that information in my head without flipping back to this chart continuously.  Italian has too damn many confusing prepositions.

This class and studying for it seems to suck up a lot of my time.  I forget what it was like to not have this hanging over my head.  Last week, I was all but ready to drop the class because I was sick of staring at the book and not understanding it, but I feel like I am learning a lot and getting enough out if it that it is worth the effort.

Preparing Assertiveness

This weekend, I went up to see a friend of mine that I've known since high school.  A lot of my friends are people that I've known for a long time, but this is someone whom I've somewhat lost touch with.  She doesn't live that far, so it's not really distance that is the problem so much.  I just feel like there is too much baggage there, more specifically, she is someone who has consistently had a very low self-image and would always talk about how fat she was, how out of shape she was, etc.  And she's someone who has always been in my mind, slim as in a single digit size, someone who works out, eats healthy, etc.  But from the way she would talk, it was always be reflecting a picture of herself that I didn't really see.  And when someone who is thinner than you is always talking about how fat she is, what do you think she's saying about you?  Really.  I don't think I totally imagine that, right?

I guess it also doesn't help that one time, a long time ago, in high school, she had a talk with me about "losing weight for my own good" and about how I probably didn't realize I was fat.  Um yeah.  Seriously.    I think no matter how you feel about your own self, your own self-acceptance and body image, that kind of shit is not something you need in your life from a friend.  This kind of talking happened, to a much lesser degree, in later years.  I remember one time I went up to visit her and I was talking about how I was going to Jazzercise at the time, and she said something about how she herself was the most un-co-ordinated person, next to me.  Again, what?  I don't think I'm poorly co-ordinated, probably about average.  And certainly, I did enough dance aerobics to be able to keep up with enough of the moves.

Yeah, see the pattern?  I think there are plenty of people who are insecure but there is this set who are insecure and then push that insecurity onto others.  I think it's fine and dandy to talk to people about their own problems and issues, as long they aren't tarring you with the same brush strokes that they put upon themselves.  And in these sort of conversations, I always felt like an unwilling participant, and maybe scapegoat.  But I do know that I never said, "don't talk to me this way."  And I just avoided being one on one with this friend for years.

So I saw her on Sunday, and it wasn't really that bad at all.  I did some pre-emptive work, when we were emailing back and forth about where to eat, and I said something about dim sum, and she said something about her diet, and I said, "I'd be happy to eat where ever you want, but I'm adverse to talking about dieting."  And that was it, we had dim sum, and the subject never came up.  I do think that she's in a better place right now in her life than she's ever been, is in a relationship with someone and is happy, and I don't really know what therapy she's done for her issues or whatever.  I had planned out what I was going to say when something that bothered me came up, and nothing really did.

I do know that I tend to ruminate on negative things people say to me.  And that process of thinking of them, going over them, gives them more weight and form in my head, and makes them more real.  I'd like to learn how to let go, not sure how I get to that point.  But I have been learning how to deal with things as they happen now, in the present, and that is a useful skill.  And I actually had a really good time hanging out with and talking to this friend, and I'm glad she's doing well.  And I'm glad I wasn't the recipient of any negativity.

On TV

Feels kind of like it's been one of those weeks.  Less stress at work since my boss has been out, but then I feel like there is other stuff going on.  Like I had my first quiz in my Italian class on Wednesday.  And it was on my least favorite subject, vocabulary.  I have never had that ability to sit down and just memorize a bunch of words like that, and while there are a lot of aspects of learning while older that are easier, I haven't managed to make that one work for me.  I think I probably would learn better in context.  It was just a quiz, so a drop in the bucket in my final grade and if we all do poorly, she'll probably not count our scores for that much.

I had a few things that I was thinking about writing this week, and right now I am just thinking of everything I have to do after posting this.  Not like it's a mountain of work, but I'm finding myself feeling edgier than usual tonight and that has actually made me somewhat productive in several ways.  The first thing was clearing off part of the pile of junk on my coffee table, throwing a bunch of stuff out, putting some books on the shelf, and then finally wiping down the table a little.  See, when I was watching TV on my computer all the time, I barely looked at the coffee table at all, but now that I'm watching TV more, I see it all the time.  And seeing that pile of stuff was starting to annoy me.

Speaking of TV, I am going to be getting a new TV next month for my birthday.  New TVs are seriously cheap now.  The TV I have is one I got my first year out of college, sometime in 1995 or 1996.  And even at that time, it was kind of ancient.  The two categories that TVs came in were mono and stereo and I got a mono one because it was cheaper.  It's a 25 inch TV that I got at Circuit City for about $250.  I guess you could say I got my money's worth.  Heck, the TV lasted longer than Circuit City, right?  I have looked a few times at TVs at Costco, and also did some online browsing.  I think there is some school of thought that "bigger is better" and one needs to have a ginormous TV.  The people who seem to tell me this are all men (yet none of them is offering to help me carry this ginormous TV up the stairs to my apartment).  I don't know if it's the way my brain works, or the kind of things I watch (aka, not sports), but I don't feel like I need the most fabulous, giant, magnificent TV.  I want something better than what I have now, and every single TV in any store will fall into that category.

Busy

I just feel super busy lately.  I guess part of it is having the disruption (albeit a fun one) of having house guests.  Part of it is being back in Italian class again, and also I'm taking a six week class on Assertiveness through Kaiser.  It's not like I really have that much going on, on paper, but I feel like I am always rushing around taking care of stuff, doing stuff.  I think the days that I have class (Monday, Wednesday, and Friday), I don't have a real lunch break and I tend to stay at my desk and not take breaks.  I think it would do me some good to get up every so often and walk up and down the stairs or what have you.

Part of what I know I do when I'm feeling busy is that I don't want to make future plans.  I am sure it's just a coping mechanism of not wanting to feel like I'm over-scheduling my life, but I should allow myself to make some plans without feeling like it's going to cut into my studying and work and volunteering and sleep.  I read an article today on how some lucky people need only a very small amount of sleep and they end up feeling well-rested and have more energy all day.  I'm totally the opposite, I need over eight hours of sleep and I really feel better rested when I have 9-10.  But I like sleeping, and wish I could sleep later and go into work later.  My boss is an early riser herself, so she doesn't really understand me wanting to schedule that, and well, I have been going in early so I can take my Italian class, but my Italian classes will be over in a few months and I am going to have to talk to her about switching back.

With as much as I have to do, I'm sure there will be less time pressure once my class ends in June.  The quarter just began and I'm already thinking about it ending.  Maybe just begrudging the studying every night, working longer hours.  Not like I'm not happy to be learning Italian, just seems like a lot sometimes.

Oh the good thing about this quarter is that I'm no longer the oldest person (other than the instructor) in the class.  There is an older guy (like he has a daughter who is probably around my age) in the class, so he gets to be the annoying older student and I just sit back and learn.  Though I'd like to think I don't do the re-entry student thing of monopolizing every conversation and going on about my own boring personal experiences

Perspective

I am overdue for a post again.  I have a great reason.  I won't say excuse, it's more of a reason.  My mom was visiting me last weekend.  And I had a good visit with her, but there was also a lot of hell breaking loose as well.  I got the idea of getting her to help me take Teddy to the vet, since he's overdue for exam and shots.  And well, wrestling him into the carrier was very difficult on the first Saturday, including him scratching and bruising me when I was trying to work him into the carrier.  I got mad.  I got really mad at him and was at a point where I wanted to pick him up in my mouth and shake him around a little bit, like a mama cat.  It was at that point when I told my mom we should leave the house.  And we went to IKEA.  And she got me a lot of stuff for my apartment, including a new cover for my couch, which totally gives my apartment a new feel and color scheme.  I spent a few hours putting the new cover on, putting new lamps together, and then took a nap on the couch.  It was good.

Then Sunday, we had dim sum for brunch.  It was a new place to me, and the food was good (though not as good as what I had in LA at Christmas with DMA).  We were at this strange half table by the kitchen, which had the perks of getting to see all the new food coming out, but some of the servers were using our table as a staging area.  Also we were right near the crab tank, and I swear I saw a crab making a break for it.  It's kind of gross seeing a messy tank full of live animals that you know are going to die.  I know all meat and seafood comes from live creatures, just prefer not to be reminded of that fact.  I think I was a vegetarian for too long.  We went to the mall which was Sunday crowded with pushy people (as in, literally pushing into me) and screaming kids.  Then we went to get another carrier to try to take Teddy in in Monday.  And we practiced several times with a stuffed animal, grabbing the stuffed animal and putting it into the carrier.  Then we had Burmese food for dinner at this newish place near my house that was at one point a good Thai restaurant.  The food was really good, and I got to hear stories about some Burmese guy my mom dated while in college.  Then she started talking about an Indian guy she dated later... turns out my mom was sort of a romantic United Nations, near as I could tell from these stories.

Monday morning came, and we attempted to wrestle Teddy into the carrier.  It got ugly.  He scratched again, and then bit me in two places.  I was stressed, and really, devastated in some ways.  I had all these thoughts, and trying to describe them now, when my mind feels balanced and rational, I'm not sure if I can do that.  It was just stressful, the whole experience.  Trying and failing to get him in the carrier.  Then dealing with my mom's theatrics, and an overwhelming sense of failure and of my inability to deal with this ten pound furry creature.  And then my hand started hurting.  And swelling.  And the pain was bad enough that I had a hard time moving it.  So I called into Kaiser, and they told me to go into ER.

Their ER is nothing like anything I've seen on TV.  It looks kinda like a doctor's office, and I checked in and took a seat, expecting that I'd be sitting around for hours.  After about five minutes, the doctor calls me.  The short version is that cat bites are very likely to lead to infections, and I need a tetanus shot anyway.  Also I need to take antibiotics and keep my hand elevated.  And then they stick me with a huge bill in this roundabout manner.  I would have been better off just saying I had "some kind of wound" and seeing my normal doctor, as the ER fee was five times what my co-pay is.  On top of the medical stuff, there was a lot of negative emotional impact, a lot of negative thoughts circling in my head.

Like I implied earlier, I feel better now.  I still haven't taken Teddy to the vet or made a concrete plan to do so, but since I had to pay so much money at the ER, I can't really afford to take him in yet anyway.  With some distance from the events, with my mom leaving on Tuesday, I started being able to just deal with all these feelings and events without being so overwhelmed by it all.  It's kind of weird how, after years of therapy, after being aware of all of these techniques for dealing with these emotions, a crisis happens and I feel so thrust into destructive all-or-nothing distorted thinking.  I can also look at this in how I managed to survive all those negative feelings and am able to put them into perspective.